Becoming A Feeling Detective (Continued from 12/7/01)
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 1/4/02)
In our first column we talked about the importance of periodically putting ourselves in our children’s shoes. Take a moment and imagine yourself in each of the scenes below. Notice how you're feeling after each response.

Scene #1
You come home from a hectic day at work. A co-worker criticized you in front of your boss. You lashed back at him in anger and left the office feeling frustrated, humiliated and ashamed. That evening over dinner you begin to tell your spouse about the situation.

Your Spouse's Response: "What did you do this time? You know how provocative you can be. Maybe you deserved it. You know how you get when you're angry."

Scene #2.
You are rushing to finish up some last minute errands before picking up your kids at school. You race around the parking structure frantically looking for a space. There's one. You decide to try to squeeze your spouse's brand new car into the small spot. As you try to maneuver your way into the space, you hear the sound of metal on metal. You get out to find a huge scratch on the front door. You tell your best friend about what has happened.

Friend's Response: "Oh you poor dear, I feel so terrible for you. The new car! What a shame! I hope he won't want a divorce."

Scene#3
It's getting late and after a day filled with anticipation you realize that your spouse has forgotten your anniversary. You are talking to your mother and you mention your disappointment.

Mother's Response: "He must be under a lot of stress to have forgotten your anniversary. What's going on that's distracting him so? Is everything all right between the two of you? I'm your mother; you can tell me."

Scene #4
You've been waiting in the doctor's office for an hour when the nurse finally comes out and informs you that the doctor has been called to an emergency, and you won't be able to see her today. As you are getting into the elevator you run into a friend and tell her what's just happened.

Friend's Response: "Come on. You don't need to be so upset! Life's full of unexpected surprises, and you have to learn to take them more in your stride. Cheer up!"

Scene #5
You have just done a week's worth of grocery shopping. You unload your groceries onto the counter. The checker totals your bill and you reach for your money. It's not there! Your face turns red, and you ask the clerk to wait while you run out to your car to see if you have left your wallet there. The six people in line behind you groan. You rush back into the store and report that you don't have any money with you. A woman in line mutters, “What a birdbrain." The clerk looks at you with disgust, sighs, and says that you can come back later to pick up your groceries. You dash out of the line and yell, "I'll be back soon."

Friend's Response: She says," Gee, that sounds like a nightmare! You must have felt really frustrated and embarrassed."

How did you feel when you heard each response? Did you feel accepted and understood? Probably not until the last one. When our feelings are denied (as in responses 1 and 4) we feel angry, misunderstood and discounted. At the same time if the listener gives our feelings more weight or consequence than we are giving them (as in 2 and 3) it makes us feel even worse. Our children feel the same way. When we deny our children's feelings, they think that they themselves aren't important and that we don't care about them. Their self-esteem suffers.

When I'm upset I mostly want my feelings to be heard. I don't need criticism or advice, and the last thing I want is speculations on the philosophical and/or psychological implications of my emotions. All this will succeed in doing is to make me feel even more upset and misunderstood and I am likely to withdraw altogether.

Children need an empathic listener when they are upset, too. When we listen and acknowledge their feelings appropriately they are able to move through their confusion and to solve their own problems. Really listening to our kids is the quickest way to help them help themselves.

By listening, we express our interest and caring. It is a powerful tool to enhance our relationship with our children and to increase their self-esteem.

We have trouble being an empathic listener, though, when our children are revealing powerful feelings we just wish they didn't have. Your son rejects your "stupid" advice and takes the after school job. Your daughter says that she hates visiting grandma, and it's your mother that she's talking about. But, putting the lid on a boiling pot isn't going to make it stop boiling. it just adds to the increasing pressure. I'll say it again: feelings don't vanish through denial. They intensify. Take the time to listen. You’ll find that it works wonders.

In our next column we’ll look at how to fall in love with your kids. Until then...

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.