Discipline with Love
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 2/14/02)
Have you ever felt as though your children were out to get you? As if their goal in life were to make you miserable? It's helpful to recognize that there is a difference between your children's agenda and your own. They really don't misbehave just to torture you. A certain amount of conflict between you and your children is normal and necessary. This is due to their job description: to explore this strange, new world, and to seek out ways of making life interesting.

Let's say you are standing in line for the movies and your 5 year old daughter is having a great time running up and down the line, weaving in and out of people's legs and shrieking with enjoyment. What you want is for your daughter to stand quietly with you and to behave herself; and what she wants to do is to make this boring situation entertaining. The discrepancy in job descriptions naturally leads to conflict. The way you deal with these conflicts determines whether the discipline is effective or harmful.

I was walking around a lake the other day and stopped to watch a turtle and her baby basking in the sun. As I looked around the lake, I noticed that all of the newly planted trees had two stakes driven into the ground next to them. These stakes were to protect the young saplings from the wind as they were developing. The young trees also had rubber hoops surrounding them which were attached to the stakes. These hoops were loose enough to allow the trees to move within limits, yet firm enough to protect them as they developed. This is how discipline works.

When a tree matures its root system deepens and its trunk becomes stronger, and we can remove the stakes. But, not until that time. Without the protection of the stakes the young trees could grow crooked or bent, or even break altogether when a storm comes

Our children are much like these young trees. One of our functions as parents is to provide firm yet gentle guidelines for them as they grow. As they develop and mature we can remove the stakes to allow them to experience themselves as independent, responsible, self-disciplined adults. When we raise our children with firm, clear guidelines we are teaching them how to function within a democratic society in which freedom has limitations. As we set and maintain limits for our children we are teaching them about how to be successful and productive adults.

To most of us, the "D" word means being spanked, yelled at or banished to our room. The very word causes many us to cringe, remembering our own childhood's when our parents would threaten us with, "I'll wash your mouth out with soap young lady", or "You just wait until your father gets home, then you'll really be sorry!" We confuse discipline with punishment, but the words have very different meanings. Punishment can damage a child's spirit. Where as, discipline comes from the Greek word "disciplina" which means "to teach" or "to lead." In the truest sense of the word we are teaching our children how to lead themselves, in other words to be self-disciplined. We aren't always going to be with our kids, so we want them to have a strong responsible inner voice which will lead them to make choices in their own best interest. In order for this internal structure to evolve we have to discipline our children in a way that respects their individuality and humanity.

Yet when we set firm boundaries we provide them with a sense of safety and security. When we discipline our children with love, the messages we give are: "I care too much about you to let you act inappropriately" and "I care enough about you to take the time and effort to teach you how to behave."

To be continued...

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.