Discipline with Love - Part 2
(Tools for Effective Discipline)
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 3/4/02)
Why Do Children Misbehave?
One of the main reasons children misbehave is to get their parents' attention. The kind of attention they usually get is negative attention, in the form of anger and disapproval. But to a child this is better than no attention at all. This is why I'll remind you over and over to comment on the things your children do well, or the behaviors you want to see, and to spend time hanging out with your kids. This way they are less likely to feel they have to act out to get noticed. Keep in mind as you discipline your children that a second reason they misbehave is that your kids do not have as developed a conscience as you do. It is your job to guide them until they develop one of their own.

Here is the first step to effective discipline.

Step 1: Plan ahead.

Here is an example of what can happen when we don't anticipate situations. Four year old Julie was on the way to the market with her mother Megan. Halfway between home and the store Julie started chanting:

"I want a new toy, Mom."
"Not today, Julie. You just got a new toy last week."
"I want a toy."
"Not today"
"I want a toy!"

Julie proceeded to throw a temper tantrum and refused to go into the store. If Megan had thought through this situation ahead of time, she could have discussed where they were going and what they were going to buy before they left home. We discussed what had gone wrong and how she might prevent future scenes with Julie. The next time she was going to the store Megan prepared Julie for what they were going to do. "Julie, We're going to go to the market in a little while to buy groceries." When Julie immediately began her litany, --"I want candy mommy!"-- Megan could explain to her daughter what she would and wouldn't do, "I know you like to get a treat when we go shopping, but I'm not buying any candy today. You can get a frozen yogurt on the way home instead." We can defuse potentially frustrating situations for our children by letting them know ahead of time what to expect, and just what we will and will not do.

One Thing at a Time
Joan came into one of my seminars complaining that her daughter Randi had the telephone permanently attached to her head. "She leaves her books and clothes all over the house," sighed Joan. She doesn't do her chores, her room is a mess and she leaves her homework until the last minute." I asked Joan what had she tried up to this point. She said she was constantly reminding Randi of all the things she was doing wrong. This is better known as nagging. I asked her how effective this had been. She said, "Randi just tunes me out and things get worse." Randi had become what I call "parent deaf".

I suggested that Joan choose one specific area to work on at a time. Otherwise it is too overwhelming for both parent and child. What did she want changed and what should be the consequences if Randi didn't cooperate. For example, if Joan's first priority was to change Randi's habit of scattering her things all over the house, then Joan needed to decide what she was going to do if Randi persisted with this behavior. Then Joan could sit down with Randi and let her know that she was tired of nagging her and that it didn't seem to be working so from now on there would be new consequences. Joan was skeptical but agreed to try out the approach. She sat Randi down and told her that she'd come up with a new plan. Randi had a choice: She could either pick up her things, Joan said, or Joan would keep her things hostage for 3 days. Randi argued at first. But by evening, to Joan's astonishment, Randi's belongings had mysteriously disappeared from their usual drop spots on the dinning room table and the living room floor. Giving Randi a choice kept it from being a battle, and reduced the anger on both sides.

This type of an approach will save you from making idle threats like, "If I find your clothes around the house one more time I'm never going to buy you any new clothes again!" or "If you don't do your homework, you'll be grounded for a month!". When we don't plan ahead, we make idle threats. Our children then test us to see if we are going to follow through.

By choosing one thing to work on at a time both you and your children will experience more immediate success. and you'll gain greater cooperation as you work to change other inappropriate behavior.

I don't have to tell you that discipline is one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. That said, we will revisit this topic many more times.

To be continued...

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.