Discipline with Love - Part 3
(Tools for Effective Discipline)
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 3/18/02)
More on Discipline with Love

Two year old Laura says, "No" to almost everything her mother asks her to do. "Time to pick up your toys." "No." "You have to get dressed now." "No." "It's time to go to sleep." "No." "I'm at the end of my rope," Says her nice, well meaning mother. "There are days when I think one of us just has to go."

Matt, 5, interrupts all the time. Like the afternoon his mother had a friend over for lunch, "Matt must have interrupted our conversation at least ten times." Sighed his mother in exasperation.. "He has his own agenda and he acts as if everything should center around him. It doesn't seem to matter where we are or who's talking, he constantly interrupts. Sometimes I want to scream, 'shut up and leave me alone!'"

Laura, 10, won't do her homework. Jason, 13, argues every time he's asked to do household chores. Samantha, 17, leaves her clothes, books and all manner of other messes strewn around the house.

Do any of these situations sound familiar? Most of us have dealt with similar problems at one time or another. No matter what the ages of our children they each offer different disciplinary challenges. Kids somehow always manage to challenge our efforts at maintaining order, developing responsibility and building character.

It's not surprising that in every one of my seminars parents inevitably ask, "How can I get my child to go to bed?" "What do I do when my son won't get dressed in the morning?" What do I do when my kids fight?" "How do I get my kids to listen to me?" Discipline is a mystery to most parents. In absolutely every class I teach, the majority of the parents who attend express how powerless they feel in dealing with their kids misbehavior.

Discipline is difficult, but it's even more so if it results in negative feelings between you and your children. You don't want to leave them feeling bad about themselves. What you want is to leave them with a clear understanding of what is expected of them. To accomplish this goal we don't have to humiliate or harm our children's self-esteem or bodies. We can guide our kids with love and firmness towards the goal of self-discipline

We discussed an overview of democratic discipline in the previous chapter. Now it's time to learn how to implement these.

Commitment and Caring: The Bottom Line
There is no magic formula that will answer all of your disciplinary questions. There isn't one perfect way to discipline your kids. Nor is every method going to work with every child or in every situation. But what we can do is to commit ourselves to a positive approach to discipline. One that includes respect, clearly defined expectations and limits, reasonable consequences and earned privileges. Let's continue where we left off last column.

Step 2: Ignore what isn't really important to you. Not every problem calls for an intervention. A lot of situations can simply be ignored because your children will stop the inappropriate behavior on their own as soon as you stop paying attention to it. If your son comes in and takes a handful of cookies, and you say, "You can have two," and he says that, "I want three," you have to decide whether it is worth your energy to argue over one cookie. You need to find your own balance between ignoring and intervening.

Ask yourself, "Are my words going to encourage my child to cooperation or precipitate an unwanted confrontation? Is this issue one in which I need to set firm limit, or is it worth overlooking?" Then ask, "Would I say or do this if this were someone else's child?" These questions will help you to think before you do something you may regret later.

We can safely ignore about 95% of the minor misbehaviors that bother us. When I say "minor misbehavior" I mean things like sibling arguments, whining, getting dirty, spilling milk, goofiness or refusing to eat their vegetables. Frequently children only persevere with a behavior to get a reaction from you. That's why sometimes it's more instructive to ignore behavior you can tolerate. And save your energy for the more important issues.

Step 3: Take time to think before acting or reacting: Children always want the answers to their questions the minute they are asked, consequently, we often pressure ourselves to answer our children instantly--to run on "child-time".

Frank, a harried father of two thirteen year old twin girls, reported to my class one evening how he had learned to cope with his daughter's pressuring him for an instant answer. He established a rule that his daughters had to back off to give him time and physical distance to think after making a request. If they didn't do this, his automatic response would be "No". Given these parameters, his kids quickly realized it was in their best interests to cooperate.

When we respond under pressure we often say things we later regret. How many times have you automatically told your children "no," and within seconds realized that, had you thought for a moment, you would have responded differently?

Liza, a single mother with a high pressure career, is a perfect example of this pattern of action, she had just gotten home from work and had rushed into the kitchen to start dinner when Jenny came bursting in and began to plead, "Mom, can I spend the night at Allison's tomorrow?" Liza's immediate reaction was, "No!" Jenny persisted, "Why not, it's not a school night please let me." "I'm busy trying to get dinner ready," Liza snapped back. "I don't want to be bothered now. The answer is 'No.'" Jenny ran out yelling through her tears, "You're so mean! It's not fair!" As Liza finished cooking dinner, she had a quiet moment to think about Jenny's request and realized that there really wasn't a good reason for not letting her daughter spend the night with her friend. Liza was just reacting to the pressure of coming home and feeling rushed, and consequently made a snap judgment. Liza later went into Jenny's room and told her that she'd thought it over and the sleepover date was fine. Then she went further and informed Jenny, "When I first get home from work I feel rushed to change and get dinner started. It's not a good time to ask me important questions."

When we give ourselves time to think, we become less reactive and more effective at discipline. We can teach our children not to pressure us.

We will spend many more columns on discipline, but our next column will focus on you, the parent. Stay tuned!

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.