Discipline with Love - Part 4
(Tools for Effective Discipline)
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 3/29/02)
Parents Have Needs Too!

Does your life feel chaotic and out of control? Do you continually feel overwhelmed and overextended? Is there too much to do and never enough time to do it? Do you feel like the low person on the totem pole when it comes to getting your needs met? If you answered yes to these questions, you too, can join the millions of parents who are planning to run away from home by signing up for the first civilian flight to the moon!

All kidding aside, this column is for you. (From time to time we'll devote a column or 10 to your own self-care.) Stop and think for a minute about would what happen if the CEO of a major multinational corporation is stressed-out, or a pilot of a jet airliner is feeling exhausted and mean-spirited, or the football team's quarterback is having a rotten day. In each case, all hell breaks loose and the game--be it making a profit, landing safely or just plain winning--grinds to a halt. The same thing holds true for you in relation to your family. You're the center, the cornerstone upon which your entire family depends. When you let yourself be driven by perfectionism, guilt and unattainably high standards you become irritable, ornery, and unable to function well. Ignore your own needs long enough, and I guarantee, sooner or later Godzilla will emerge wreaking havoc and suffering on you, and your entire family.

Being a parent is a tug-of -war between who we think we should be and who we are; between what we want to do and what we are actually able to do. Most of us have idealized images of what good parents should be, and are haunted by these images of perfection. Rather than confront the comparison between the idealized parent and our actual self, many of us feel inadequate and guilt-ridden because we can't match up to our own impossibly high standards.

The Myth Of Parental Sainthood
Many of us grew up watching The Donna Reed Show, Leave It to Beaver, and Father Knows Best. These nonexistent TV families were role models for how family life was supposed to be. The husbands went off to work, and the women cheerfully stayed home with the children. Even now the myth continues with the current favorite American prime-time family, the Huxtables of The Cosby Show.

Most of these television mothers had model-like figures and looked better cleaning their houses than most of us did at our weddings. None of these TV parents ever really lost their tempers, scrubbed toilets, worried about how to live within a budget or screamed at their kids. No problem seemed too traumatic or complex for them to cure with a glass of milk and some cookies, or in Cliff Huxtable's case, some flawlessly droll remark. They exuded the saintly virtue of patience.

But how wise would Cliff Huxtable have been if his son was arrested for drugs? What would June Cleaver have said if Beaver were diagnosed with attention-deficit-disorder. How would Donna Reed have broken the news of her divorce?

We all know that these prime-time moms and dads were too good to be true, but in the far reaches of our minds many of us still aspire to be like them. We all have models of parental perfection stashed away in our psyches, models that we secretly believe we should be living up to.

The Super Parent Syndrome
"I always feel like I'm failing at something," my client, Sharon moaned sadly one day. "I'm supposed to have a perfect house, model children, cook gourmet balanced meals, volunteer as room mother and den mother, make costumes for my children's school plays, recycle my paper, glass and tin and make compost for my organic garden, make sure my children have after-school enrichment activities, attend cultural events and keep up with current affairs, spend quality time with my children, spend an hour a day exercising, and at least two hours an evening with my husband having a meaningful conversation! All this while I hold down a full-time job and do it all with a smile. The fact is, I'm not doing any of it with a smile. I'm a nervous wreck. I snap at my husband and scream at my kids. I'm on a tread mill and there's no way to get off!"

In the past the "average" family meant a breadwinning father and a mother who stayed home with the children. Today only 8 percent of families fit this description. In the majority of homes in America both parents now work outside the home. The typical child of preschool and elementary school age now lives with two parents who work full-time. Blended families and single-parent families are fast becoming the rule rather than the exception. Our roles have changed along with the demands made on us, yet our internal standards for ourselves often are not a practical match for our actual living situations.

Sharon is driving herself crazy because she can't do it all. The truth is, none of us have it all or do it all. Something has to give, and we need to make compromises. And until we examine our beliefs and underlying motivations we are driven by unrealistic standards that are impossible to attain.

We'll continue this discussion in our next column. See you then.

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.