The Magic of Encouragement
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 4/11/02)
Encouragement vs. Criticism

I'd like you to take a moment and imagine yourself in this situation. You're driving home from work, and suddenly you notice in your rear view mirror that a police car is following you with the red and yellow lights flashing. You check your speedometer and notice that you are driving right at the speed limit. As your pulse begins to race, you curse under your breath and wonder what you did wrong. You notice your sweaty palms as you pull over, and the police officer walks up to your car. You roll down your window and he asks to see your license.

He examines it and says, "I've been on the police force for fifteen years, and I have never in my life seen such a considerate, careful driver. Back there at the overpass you maneuvered through that snarl skillfully, courteously and never honked your horn once. If there were more courteous drivers like you, my job would be a lot easier. I just had to tell you that, and say thanks.."

If this happened to you, what would your first reaction be? Shock, disbelief, anger? "Who's this guy kidding? Is this some kind of a joke? He hauled me over for that?" We don't expect authority figures to give us compliments. Starting with our parents, and continuing through teachers and supervisors, we have come to expect criticism, ridicule and reprimands rather than encouragement, support and praise. But admit it: After your pulse returns to normal and the shock has worn off, you'd probably feel good about yourself and your driving skills. And I'd bet that you'd find yourself acting even more courteously in the future. I know I would.

This story of the police officer is a perfect example of the magic of encouragement. If only a few words from a perfect stranger could increase your self-esteem and confidence, and create the probability that you would drive even better in the future imagine the effect our encouragement can have on our children.

Praise is such a wonderful tool. All you have to do is to start catching your children doing things right and then comment on these actions. Their behavior may not change immediately, but they will start to do more of what you notice and focus on. When we express appreciation, we support our kids in repeating the appropriate behavior. No matter how it may look, they really do want to cooperate. And like us, they're not mindreaders: we need to tell them specifically how best to please us.

The Fine Art of Praise
Praising your child is the simplest thing in the world. Right? Wrong. Praise is both a magic wand and a weapon. Used correctly, it supports children in feeling confident, capable and secure. But praise used incorrectly can result in anxiety, insecurity and misbehavior. I'll show you what I mean:

Celeste comes running into the house madly waving her report card. She flings open the envelope and rushes over to show her parents. Celeste has gotten three 'A's two 'B' and a 'C' in science. As her parents look it over her father says, "What's this 'C' in science? You can do better than that. There's no reason for such a poor grade."

Okay this is not praise. This is negative feedback. You can see how Celeste would feel bad about herself and think that she is unworthy of her parents' acknowledgment and approval when they focus their attention on the one 'C' rather than the other grades.

However, Randy's situation is less obvious. Randy arrives home with the exact same report card as Celeste, but his parents focus on the "A"s he received in English, history and math. "Randy, you're so smart. We're so proud of you. You're a real genius. I bet next time you'll get all 'A's."

In Randy's case the praise his parents' gave was ineffective on two counts. First it burdened him with extremely high expectations, too high for him to live up to comfortably. Secondly, the praise focused on him rather than on his efforts, "You're so smart...you're a real genius." This sends a confusing message to kids. They are likely to worry; "If my parents call me a genius now, what happens if I bring home all 'C's next time? Will they call me dumb?" Kids will wonder if their parents would appreciate and care for them less if they perform poorly.

The Language of Encouragement
So what do you do instead? Offer your enthusiasm and encouragement in the form of descriptive praise. (I am going to use the words "encouragement" and "descriptive praise" interchangeable.)

When using encouragement, we need to describe and appreciate our kids' efforts without judgment or evaluation. In Randy's case, his parents might have said, "I can see from your report card that you really hit the books this semester. I bet you feel good about yourself." This kind of response not only acknowledges Randy's determination and effort, but it also lets him know that his parent understand his feelings. By mirroring your children's good feelings you communicate your caring and demonstrate that you are paying attention to them.

Descriptive praise focuses on the deed, not the doer. Unlike ineffective praise, encouragement does not evaluate a child's efforts or achievements. Phrases like, "You're an angel." or "You're terrific!," if used exclusively, are too general and set an unrealistic standard for our kids to live up to. These types of comments focus on the child's character rather than on their effort or accomplishments. Instead of using words that evaluate, describe in concrete terms what you see and how you feel. "I appreciate your sharing your trucks." "Thanks for calling when you knew you were going to be late."

Next time we'll look at the fine art of praise.

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.