The Magic of Encouragement
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 4/25/02)
Guidelines for the Fine Art of Praise

1. Focus on your child's' efforts and achievements, not on his character. For example, rather than saying "You're a terrific kid. You might say "I really appreciate your help bringing in the groceries."

2. Be specific in your praise. Rather than, "You're doing a good job" say, "I like the way you got dressed all by yourself this morning." Your child is clear about what the specific behavior is that you want more of.

3. Tell your children how you feel about what they did. "I was touched by the card you sent me." "I appreciate your thoughtfulness."

4. Your comments should encourage your children to draw positive conclusions about themselves. "I appreciate when you water the garden." Child's interpretation: "I am helpful."

5. Focus on your child's efforts and progress. "Skating a mile! Hey, you couldn't do that two weeks ago!" "You studied really hard for the math final, and it really paid off."

6. Once you've given the praise, stop talking for a few moments to allow your child to take it in. Then give them a hug!

Below are several examples to help you see the contrast between effective praise and the conclusions your child might make:

Effective Praise: I appreciate it when you put your toys away. You really stacked everything neatly.

Child's conclusions: I'm responsible and can take care of my things.

Effective Praise: I love the tie you picked out for grandpa's birthday. I think he will really like it.

Child's conclusions: I have god taste and can make other people happy.

Effective Praise: "I love the way your mobile hangs and moves in the breeze. It's fun to look at it"

Child's conclusions: I can be creative and original.

By appreciating your children's efforts you encourage a repeat performance. Our children need to know what's expected of them to feel capable of being successful. When our kids hear these positive messages, they internalize them and they later become part of their nurturing internal dialogue. Through this process your children develop the ability to recognize and appreciate their own strengths and abilities.

Kids thrive in an environment where they aren't afraid of being evaluated and judged. Encouragement fosters independence, self-esteem, a willingness to explore and experiment, plus an acceptance for self and others. Our effective praise should be a way of celebrating our kids rather than evaluating them. Your actions and words let your kids know that you are glad that they are who they are.

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.