Four Factors of Healthy Self-Esteem - Belonging
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.
(posted 5/10/02)

Your Child's Own VCR
Imagine that between your children's eyes and ears is a video cassette recorder. Everything they hear, see, and feel is recorded onto a cassette . Guess who is the big star in their movie? You are. What you say and, more important, what you do is recorded there for them to replay over and over again. We all have video cassettes. Adults just have larger libraries of tapes available.

In the course of this book I'll take you through a step-by-step process that will teach you how you can create positive images on these cassettes, and give you practical tools for enhancing your children's feelings of being lovable and capable.

The first of those steps is to gain a greater understanding of the nature of self-esteem itself.

On Top Of The World
Take a moment and recall a time when you felt really good about yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? Remember the experience in as much detail as possible. Think about what contributed to your feeling so good. Most likely it can be described by one or more of the following feelings:

You felt that you were important to someone whom you
respected and whose opinion you valued.
You felt like you did something that only you could have
done in that particular way. You felt special and had a sense of your own unique gifts.
You felt like you were in charge and getting the things done that you set out to do. You felt confident that you could handle whatever you were faced with.
You shared a difficult-to-express thought, feelings or opinion with someone and in doing so, you connected with them on a deeper level than ever before.

Each of the above feelings is representative of one of the four primary aspects of this ephemeral state called high self-esteem. If you look closely, you will observe that, the experience you had satisfied a basic emotional need which, in turn, reinforced your belief in your value and competence as a person. Self-esteem is your ability to value yourself and to treat yourself with love, dignity, and respect. When we experience high self-esteem, we feel that the world is a better place because we are here. We radiate a sense of trust and hope. Integrity, honesty, love, and compassion flow freely from people who have high self-worth.

Four Factors For High Self-Esteem
Self-esteem functions in precisely the same way in children: Only if their basic emotional needs are filled, can they learn to like and value themselves. For this reason, understanding our children's needs is the first step in creating the proper climate for healthy growth and development. Our kids have lots and lots of individual needs, but they can all be grouped into four main categories.

Belonging
Uniqueness
Power
Freedom of Expression

When children experience a sense of satisfaction in each of these areas self-esteem results. These conditions are necessary no matter what form your family is in: single-parent family, blended family, intact family, same-sexed parent family.

I'll be exploring these four factors in greater detail in some of the following chapters. But, let's begin with an over view of the basic concepts:

Belonging
Belonging is the first one on the list simply because children are social beings and their most fundamental need is to feel connected. They develop a sense of security through feeling that they belong within a group. The most obvious group is, of course your family. But as kids get older, they expand their need to belong to include outside groups as well such as: clubs, teams, their class and the like. Most of what our kids do is geared towards finding "their place" in their families and in the world. In broad terms, a sense of belonging is developed through their relationships to people, places and things. The primary way kids develop a sense of belonging is when they feel loved by someone who regards them as special. Moreover, they need to know that this someone will protect and guide them. Kids also require a sense of history. They need to have a sense of their roots and heritage. Have you ever noticed that kids are fascinated by stories about what they were like when they were babies and what they said and did as they grew? This sense of history and connectedness increases your children's feelings of security and safety and helps them build the ability to make healthy connections in the world at large.

In our next column we'll explore more of the factors that contribute to your child's self-esteem.

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.