Four Factors of Healthy Self-Esteem - Uniqueness
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.
(posted 5/23/02)

Let's continue where we left off last column with the Four Factors for Healthy Self-Esteem

Uniqueness:

Over five billion people now live on this planet and yet no two people have the same finger prints. We all have some basic similarities with the rest of humanity yet each of our kids is unique unto themselves. Very early on our children discover that they are different from you and other's in their lives and vise versa. However, parents often tend to unconsciously thwart this discovery by focusing on the similarities between themselves and their kids, and ignoring and/or rejecting the differences. Consequently, you'll find that throughout this book I'll be stressing the importance of recognizing, accepting and appreciating these differences we have with our kids. This requires that we see our children as separate in order to encourage their own unique development. Each child has his own individual expression to offer to the world. That expression can take many forms from artistic interests, the way they think, athletic activities, the particular way they dress, musical talents, different hobbies, etc.. Our job is to join them in discovering who they are.

Your child is a treasure, a human miracle, rare and irreplaceable. When you recognize and honor this truth you relate to your kids more as individuals and thus enhance their self-esteem.

Power

A sense of power is essential for every human being. For our children to have a strong sense of power they need to feel that they can influence their environment and have some control over their lives. In order to accomplish this, they require our help in learning how to use their skills and abilities to positively impact their circumstances. They also need to know that they can make good decisions and solve problems. By allowing our kids to make decisions for themselves and solve their own problems, we help them to develop a sense of independence and personal power.

It is additionally empowering for children to feel that they can make meaningful contributions to their families. When we give them responsibility it is a vote of confidence in their developing sense of competence. Empowerment is also gained when children see that they can accomplish what they set out to do. There is a tremendous power in mastering any new task. But, mastery is a learned process so our kids need our support and encouragement in learning new skills and achieving their goals. Every time they accomplish a task, their belief in themselves and in their ability increases many-fold.

Freedom of Expression

Every family should extend First Amendment rights to all its members, but this freedom is particularly essential for our kids. Children must be able to say what they think, openly express their feelings and ask for what they want and need if they are ever to develop an integrated sense of self. They must be able to think their own thoughts even if they differ from ours. They need to have the opportunity to ask us questions when they don't understand what we mean. When our children grow up in an atmosphere where this kind of freedom is fostered and encouraged there is room for them to grow as individuals, to engage in open honest dialogues with us, and to realize the richness of their inner resources.

Needless to say, although kids blossom in a home atmosphere in which they can ask for what they want, they must also recognize that they may not always get what they've asked for. But they should never be blamed for asking.

I've noticed over the years that kids who are allowed to be emotionally honest develop a genuiness that more repressed kids don't ever seem to acquire. Their words match their facial expressions. Their actions match their words, and they relate from a position of strength.

If I were to give two guiding principles to help you understand your kids--their actions and their motivation--the first would be to get to know your kids needs, and to examine how they are currently being met in the four areas we've just discussed.

Belonging, uniqueness, power and freedom of expression are all essential for the health and well being of every single child regardless of age. If one or more of these conditions is lacking it will impair a child's self-esteem from fully developing.

The second principle to remember is this: Our kids are always trying to get their needs met. Consequently if one of these four basic needs is unfulfilled the child will focus a great deal of his attention on that area in order to fill the emotional hole the best way they can.

To give you a better idea of how this works in our next few columns I'd like you to meet three kids who, when I first got to know them, were not having their needs fully met.

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Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.