Watch, for example, what happens when Elise, age 9, wakes up and goes downstairs for breakfast. As she is eating her eggs she mutters, "I'm not going to school today. There's gonna be an awful test in English."

"Don't be ridiculous, young lady, her mother replies, "Now get upstairs and get dressed! Her worried feelings are ignored. Self-esteem slips a notch.

Elise grabs her lunch and runs out the door to meet her carpool. She piles into the back seat and begins talking with the three other girls who always seem to be better friends with each other than with her.

When they arrive at school Elise trips getting out of the car. "What a klutz," says one of the girls and the others giggle in response. The girls run into the school building laughing, as Elise lags behind at the curb. Her self-esteem has slipped yet another notch.

In class, the day starts with an art project. While other students are busily working, Elise sits at her desk, frustrated, glue everywhere, staring into outer space. Just then her teacher walks over,"What's the matter Elise," inquires the teacher. "It looks like you've given up on your project."

"I can't make it look right! Elise says screwing up her face in a scowl.. "It's just gross!" Her teacher tries to cajole her, "Come on now don't be silly. It looks fine." But Elise only feels worse, "This is a dumb project anyway. I hate it.."

Next Elise takes the dreaded English test and, as she suspected, gets a 65%. She stuffs her test into her desk feeling discouraged, her sense of power and mastery in bad shape. At recess she goes outside to play kick ball. As she walks onto the yard, she sees that all her friends are standing together. She wants to be included so badly that she tries too hard with them. "Want a piece of my candy? I'll walk home with you after school, You can borrow my new blouse." Her over eager need to belong turns her friends off and she experiences another rejection.

When Elise gets her report card, she hands it to her mother and flees the room. Her mother stares at the two 'C's' and four 'D's', frowns and follows Elise to the bedroom where Elise is flopped on her bed. "Elise this is a terrible report card! Why can't you be more like your sister? She does so well in school. I can't understand what's wrong with you."

At this point, Elise's self-esteem is basically nonexistent. Her mother rolls her eyes to the ceiling, "Wait until your father comes home. We're going to have a long talk about this."

After dinner "the talk" takes place in the family room. Dad begins: "Your teacher says you haven't been handing in your homework and you aren't making any effort in class. What do you have to say about this?" Elise is defensive, "It's not my fault Mrs. Peters doesn't like me and gives me bad grades no matter what I do. Besides I didn't know I had to turn in all those assignments. She never told me." Before anything more can be said she gets up runs away in tears, yelling as she goes, "I'll never get good grades! It's not fair! Nothing I do is ever good enough."

With Steven and Elise, you can observe how their inability to satisfy their self-esteem needs has developed into a self-perpetuating cycle of defeat.

Next column we'll meet a teenager.

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Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.