Let's see what happens when a child who has low self-esteem reaches adolescence.

Peter, 14, was very unsure of himself when he entered seventh grade. He was awkward and shy and considered a loner. On this particular day, he came home from school, puts a note on the kitchen table and goes directly into his room. When his mother reads the note she follows him. "Why were you sent to the opportunity room again today?" "I don't know," Peter grumbled sullenly. "That fat cow Ms. Williams said I was late for class again."

"Were you?"

That's Sondra, his mom speaking. And again Peter ducks the issue "Well, It wasn't my fault. I couldn't get my locker open." That's it for Sondra. "Peter, I just don't know what to do with you anymore!" She explodes "At the rate your going you're never going to amount to anything." And she storms out. Sondra and her husband, Skip are clueless as to how to handle their son's behavior. The more withdrawn and abusive he becomes the more his parents avoid him.

Peter has developed a reputation at school of being a trouble maker. His grades are poor and he avoids participating in class discussions, keeping his ideas and opinions to himself. He is regularly late for his classes and is

a frequent visitor to the office. He has few friends and feels like an outsider with the friends he has. Like Steven and Elise he has become stuck in a vicious cycle that is difficult to break. The worse his relationships with his family and friends are the less he can concentrate on his schoolwork and..... well, you get the picture. It doesn't matter how bright the child is, if his personal sense of capability is shot full of holes, he will do poorly. Such is the case with Peter.

The weekend after the blow up with his mom, Peter goes to the mall with his one friend Brian to hang out. His father received a call from the store detective who informs him that his son has been picked up for shop lifting. Skip is utterly beside himself when he goes to the store to pick Peter up "What were you thinking when you stole that pocket knife?" Skip asks, his anger barely in check. Peter does his usual not-my-fault routine. "It wasn't my idea dad Brian told me to do it. I didn't think we'd get caught." "You're grounded for a month and that means no phone calls either," Skip shouts back in utter frustration. His fathers threats of grounding fall on deaf ears. Peter just grows silent refusing to show any emotions. It is the only protective stance he knows to avoid any further hurt or disappointment.

Obviously Peter is on a fast track to disaster if something doesn't change. He has a 'D' average in school and is in danger of being suspended because he has been sent to the office so many times. Moreover, Peter is so unsure of himself and wants to fit in with the guys so badly that he is very susceptible to peer pressure to act out in negative ways.

Stuck on the Merry-go-Round of Low Self-Esteem

Whenever a child sees himself as a loser, and expects to fail he will behave in such a way that is bound to fulfill the prophesy. Once he stops believing in himself he is on the road to failure. Peter, like Elise and Steven, felt that he was nothing in the eyes of his family, and that he didn't have what it took to fit in with his friends or to get good grades. He saw himself as bad, dumb, incompetent (i.e. lacking in power) and unlovable. He was withdrawn, filled with self-doubt, and absolutely unable to communicate his most pressing needs. The more he misbehaved and acted out the more people punished and rejected him. And the more firmly entrenched he became in the belief that he was irretrievably "bad."

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Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.