We can see that these kids are in trouble but, the real question is, What can be done about it now? At every seminar I teach, three or four parents inevitably approach me with that same question: "If my child has low self-esteem are they ruined for life or can their attitude be changed?" The answer is, of course yes, attitudes can always be changed. Remember, self-esteem is learned, not something genetically inherited. And, fortunately children are profoundly resilient and flexible. What they need immediately are frequent positive experiences with the important people in their lives. Even after a long string of negative experiences, children will almost always respond to an affirming atmosphere and positive reflections.

Steven is a perfect illustration. A little over six months ago the director of Steven's school called to let me know that she had given my name to his parents and suggested that they see me for some counseling. She described Steven as a sweet child, but starved for attention.

Several days later Nancy and Bob called and, we set up an evening appointment. When they came to see me it was obvious that they were caring parents who were overwhelmed with the job of raising two small children and working full time.

"I never thought it would be this hard! Nancy said, bursting into tears "I know Steve is upset, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like all I ever do is yell at him or punish him. This sounds terrible, but some days I dread picking him up from school. He makes me so angry!"

Bob leaned over to comfort his wife as he added, "I know what you mean, he's so demanding I just want some peace and quiet when I get home from the office and he's all over me. I never thought raising kids would be like this!"

As you can see both parents were feeling very insecure and helpless in relation to their son. "It's strange," Bob mused "here I am a top executive, in charge of an office full of people and I come home and this four year old makes me come unglued. I can't believe that I can't get this kid to behave!"

I reassured them that they were not alone in their struggles and pointed out that raising kids takes a very specific set of skills which most of us never learned. I went on to explain that once they were more in charge of the situation and felt better about themselves as parents, they would be able to relate with Steven in a way that was more satisfying for everyone

When I observed Steven at school I could tell that he was searching for a way to fit in and to feel accepted by the other kids. He acted overly anxious. Steven flitted from one activity to another, it was obviously difficult for him to concentrate on any task for more than a few minutes. He would run up to other children and try to gain their attention by pulling their hair or pinching. It wasn't surprising that his parents didn't want to be around him. Neither Nancy or Bob felt proud of their parenting and Steven, by his behavior, was continually pointing out their deficiencies and inadequacies.

In our next column let's see what Nancy and Bob can do.

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Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.