Helping Children with Feelings
by Stephanie Marston, M.F.T.

(posted 12/7/01)
In the wake of the recent tragedy we’re all concerned with helping our children cope with their fears, apprehension and uneasiness. One of the best things we can do as parents is to learn how to help our children express their feelings. But, this is no easy feat especially since most of us grew up with parents and other significant adults who denied the intensity or the very existence of our feelings. They would say, "You've no reason to be so upset," "It can't be that bad," or "You're making a mountain out of a molehill." For those of us who were raised in homes where emotions were considered to be the enemy and to be avoided at all cost, it is not surprising that feelings still are a mystery now that we have become parents.

Learning to respond empathically to our childrens' emotions is critical in helping kids to feel understood, safe and reassured.


Listening Equals Love
The first step in helping our children learn about their feelings is simple: we need to listen to and accept their feelings.

This sounds great on paper, of course, but the trouble is in practice parents often do the exact opposite. Instead we say things like, "You're just overly tired." "You're just in a bad mood because you're hungry." We say these things because we think we are being helpful. But in reality we have the opposite effect. These phrases, and others like them, actually belittle and deny what our children are feeling.

Speaking the language of empathy is a learned skill. It takes time, lots of patience, and practice, practice, practice to be able to acknowledge and accept our children's feelings. But how do we do it?

Step #1
The first step is to become a sounding board for our children. Rather than trying to "make it all better," find a word that identifies what they're feeling. For example, if your child says, "I'm never going to sleep in my room again." Rather than arguing with them about the necessity for them to sleep in their room, you might say something like, "Sounds like you're scared." or "You seem worried." or "You seem frightened." These kinds of comments will allow an opening for your child to talk about their feelings. Here's another example. If your child comes home from school and announces, "I hate Sally. I'm never going to play with her again." You might say, "You seem angry." or "Sounds like you're really mad at Sally." This will help your child to identify what they're feeling.

Think about it for a moment, what would you do if your child came in with a cut on her finger? Simple. You would wash it, put a bandaid on it, give her a kiss and allow time to heal it. For some reason we have more difficulty attending to our children's emotional hurts. It's perfectly natural to want to comfort our children and to rescue them from distress. But when we do this before allowing them to explore their feelings, they are given the message that what they are feeling is wrong or inconsequential. They think that we don't care about how they feel.

In many cases our kids are so involved in their feelings that they can't identify them. What can we do? We can start by asking ourselves the question: "How would I feel if I were in this situation?" Think about your own fears and concerns in the wake of the tragedy, and you have the coping skills to deal with them. In general, it's helpful to take a moment and recall a time when your child was feeling very upset. What caused them to feel so upset? Now ask yourself, " How would I feel if this were happening to me?" and notice what answers pop into your mind. This will help you to get into your child's frame of mind.

By acting as a sounding board for their emotions, we become the perfect mirror for our children to see, hear and understand what they're feeling. When our children are expressing emotions, our empathy helps them not only to feel understood, but to feel as if they have an ally who respects them--they don't feel so alone. Especially during these uncertain times, this sense of being connected and understood are extremely reassuring and all the more essential. Now, more than ever, take time to listen.

In my next column we'll continue to explore how to help your children express their feelings.

Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.