Now what about Elise?

Like Nancy and Bob, Elise's parents were well meaning, but lacked the necessary skills to create a more positive atmosphere for their daughter. Her mother's criticism and comparisons to her older sister only reinforced her feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Elise's was treated as though she were a problem child because they didn't recognize her despair, discouragement and low self-esteem. They were unaware that her behavior was a desperate attempt at getting her basic needs met. After they understood the underlying causes of her misbehavior they were able to see Elise as a child who was discouraged and starved for attention, affection and encouragement. As they focused more on her efforts and small improvements, building on her strengths she started to feel better about herself.

In Elise's case it was necessary to teach her parents how to help her in creating structure and routines in her life. She needed a structure for doing her homework, including a particular place and a regular time that she could count on being "homework time." Because she felt so discouraged, I suggested that her parents break her study time down into smaller increments to allow her to feel successful in completing tasks. When children feel powerless their parents need to provide more positive feedback for them by focusing on their efforts and finding tasks at which they can be successful. With a change in atmosphere at home and parental support, Elise gradually began to believe in herself. After working with the family for less than a year, her grades came up and, like Steven, when she felt a greater acceptance at home, her peer relationships improved tremendously.

And what about Peter? Peter was the hardest. Because of his age, his self-destructive patterns were more ingrained than with the two younger children. Worse yet, Peter's parents had given up on him. They had withdrawn from him and adopted the attitude, "He's too much to handle. He's on his own." With these complexities in mind, I recommended that he do both individual counseling as well as get involved in an adolescent support group. Then I worked with his parents in setting up a structure with clearly defined rules, consequences, and rewards. It was necessary to help them understand that, although Peter acted apathetic and tough, it's was a cover up to hide his feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Like Steven and Elise, what he really needed was his parents loving involvement, encouragement and effective discipline. Sondra and Skip sat down with Peter and devised a system of rules and consequences as well as structure for doing homework. Peter began to have his teachers sign a sheet indicating whether he handed in his homework on time. At the end of the week he would show the chart to his parents and Sondra and Skip focused on Peter's effort and improvement, no matter how slight. When Peter returned home from school with a fully stared assignment sheet both Sondra and Skip let Peter know how happy they were with his achievement .

And, as with Steven and Elise, the work paid off. Peter is no longer a "lost cause." He is doing better in school, maintaining a solid 'C' average. Peter joined the jr. varsity soccer team and began developing new friendships through his involvement with the team. He's been earning extra money by doing chores for neighbors. When he's earned enough his parents have promised to match his savings so he can buy a set of roller blades since Peter has developed a new passion for sports.

When you make a conscious choice to insure that your kid's needs for belonging, uniqueness, power and expression are truly being met, you will find some amazing changes occurring in a relatively short time. It's never to late to start. Don't think for a minute that because you have teenagers it's too late. That's simply not true. It's never too late to help change their self-image and to change the dynamics of the family

When children feel good about themselves it's like a snowball rolling down hill. They are continually able to recognize and integrate new proof of their value as they grow and mature. They come to understand that they are in a process of developing and have realistic expectations of their capabilities knowing that these capabilities will increase. And they are open to trying new experiences and taking the risks necessary to learn new skills.

Children with high self-esteem radiate an inner sense of security which is reflected in their actions. They are able to freely express their thoughts, opinions and feelings and can constructively work at solving problems.

So with the right TLC there is hope.

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Stephanie Marston is the author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. To learn more about her book, visit her website at: www.stephaniemarston.com. Click here to read a sample chapter of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife If you would like information about Stephanie speaking to your organization, please call 505-989-7596.