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77: Honesty Will Kill a Relationship

Honesty Will Kill a Relationship It’s always the badly dressed people who are the most interesting. ~Jean Paul Gaultier As I watched the woman walk by our table I said to my husband, “Get a look at her outfit. It looks like an artist’s palette blew up on it. I wonder what she was thinking when she bought it.” “Probably the same thing you thought when you bought it,” he replied and popped a French fry in his mouth. Puzzled, I asked, “What are you talking about?” My French fry froze midway to my mouth when he replied, “You have the exact outfit at home.” I devoured my French fry in quick, angry bites as I realized he was right. I demanded he tell me why he didn’t say anything when I bought it. “I wasn’t with you when you bought it.” “Well, when I got home and tried it on why didn’t you tell me I looked awful in it?” “I thought you knew. Besides, you seemed so happy.” “You thought I intentionally bought a hideous outfit?” “Yes.” “Why would you think that?” “Because you’re always telling me I have no taste in clothes and that’s why it’s imperative you buy my clothes for me. Remember?” “Oh. Shut up... (more)
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78: Hunky Magoo

Hunky Magoo My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said. ~Author Unknown Hunky Magoo is a fitting nickname for my husband. It’s unusual and so is he. I call him “H.M.” He likes to think it stands for “His Majesty.” H.M. sometimes gives the impression of being unfriendly, but deep down in his heart, he’s really anti-social. Like all men, he has his little idiosyncrasies. For one thing, he’s a packrat. I haven’t been able to park my van in our three-car garage for ten years because it’s overflowing with all the junk he’s collected. He hangs onto everything he’s ever owned, including the wingtip shoes he bought for our wedding over thirty years ago. I can’t sneak them out of the house, because he routinely checks the garbage to see if I’ve thrown away any of his stuff. He thinks the groovy polyester leisure suit he wore in the seventies still has a few good years in it. I’ve even caught him wearing my cleaning rags. Hunky’s the most handsome, thoughtful, charming husband in the universe — in his opinion. He brags that he can do the work of three men; and it’s true, if the three men are Larry, Moe, and Curly. He also brags about having a mind... (more)
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79: Welcome to Our World

Welcome to Our World Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife;she has thought much worse things about you. ~Jean Rostand I am a planner and executer of plans. I teach time management skills. My husband, on the other hand, is an absentminded professor type who does not like to make decisions and managing time is not a priority. I have known for years that he is not talented when it comes to planning trips, moves, etc. so I have taken on that role and have not minded it at all. Sometimes though, I really get tired of my role as “Lead Dog.” When he decided that he wanted to take a trip to visit his uncle in Alabama, I naively suggested that he be responsible for making the plans. He agreed to do that. Of course, I had to do a little nagging to get him to decide on a date, so I could arrange my plans accordingly, but he did decide. He announced that we would leave on Saturday, and would travel on I-85 to arrive on Sunday, which sounded like a good plan to me. I suggested that we could spend the night with relatives on our way and offered to make those calls, which I did. I also changed my appointments for the week we were to be gone. About six days later, Fred announced that we might cancel our trip because Hurricane Bertha had formed and was... (more)
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80: A Real Fixer-Upper

A Real Fixer-Upper Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do. ~Bettina Arndt, Private Lives, 1986 Gather near, my children, Sit close beside my knee. I’ll tell you just exactly How your grandpa came to be. If I remember rightly ’Twas his mane first caught my eye With the part so way down low And his hair heaped far too high. But I knew that I could show him How to fashion it just so. I would mold him and remake him To create the ideal beau. The words he spoke so tritely, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Could be re-taught, I quickly thought, And then he’d speak with flair. His clothes, a wee bit tacky, Were not the least in style But, with some gentle coaching, I would fix that in a while. He was tall and somewhat pimply; He was slender, much too lean. (But I notice as he ages Some things self-correct it seems.) So I began my mission To save this sorry man To prove how very lucky That he fell into my hands. I tutored. I instructed. I advised and I designed. But somewhere in the process Our courtship redefined. Time taught me a lesson And opened my eyes wide: Forget the perfect package; Find the gift that waits inside!   ~Carol McAdoo Rehme (more)