Silly phone that wasn’t a “missed” call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.
~Author Unknown

Drying dishes in the kitchen a few days after Thanksgiving 2020, I heard a ping from my phone. Being that it was a holiday weekend, I was surprised to be getting an e-mail. My in-laws had made the fourteen-hour trip to visit, so I felt bad excusing myself to check it.

I pulled out my phone to find an e-mail from Robin, the president of a writing group that I had recently joined. I didn’t know Robin well. In fact, I’d only seen her in person once when she gave a workshop at our group meeting about ten months earlier. The message was simple.

Annie, are you free at the moment?
Kind regards,
Robin

I tapped out a quick reply and returned to the dishes, but something about Robin’s message seemed strange to me.

Yes, Robin. You can call me. My number is in the guild directory.
Annie

As I was setting out the leftover pies for dessert, my phone pinged again. I was expecting a phone call and was surprised to hear back from Robin by e-mail. This time, she had a request.

Annie, I am in a conference meeting right now as I would be working till late midnight but need you to get me some gift cards. Could you pick a few Google Play gift cards for me, when I’m done with the meeting I will reimburse you.
Kind regards,
Robin

With this newest e-mail, I knew this wasn’t Robin. Not only am I a writer, but I’ve also spent years teaching English as a Second Language and instantly recognized the bad grammar as that of someone who wasn’t well-educated in English. Being that Robin was a native of the Midwest and was adamant about grammar as an editor, I knew this was a scammer.

These scams aren’t uncommon. People from far away ask for someone to buy gift cards and share the information via e-mail with promises of repayment. I’ve seen stories about this scam on the news many times. So, I decided to keep the scammer busy as long as I could so that I would waste their time and keep them from scamming someone else.

What’s this for? I’m not able to get out much right now except for essentials.
Annie

My wild story was just starting to shape in my mind, and I was curious how far I could go with it.

They are for personal reasons and are very important, You can purchase it at any store around you, Total amount needed is $600 ($100 denomination) (eBay) to be precise, I need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a snap shot of the back showing the pin and have them attach to me. How soon can you get the cards?
Kind regards,
Robin

Now it was time to have a little fun.

I can’t for at least 7 days. I just tested positive for COVID and have to quarantine. Actually, it’s pretty bad. I’m hoping I don’t have to go to the hospital.
Annie

I finished this one with a frowning emoji. In a normal situation, I’d never lie about something as serious as having COVID, but I wanted to see if this scammer had even a little bit of empathy.

Am really sorry to hear about that, but you can get them online, please once you are about to purchase the cards remember (eBay).
Robin

Nope. No empathy. I figured I’d string them along some more. At this point, my husband glanced over my shoulder and asked what I was giggling about. I filled him and my in-laws in on the joke and started taking suggestions.

What is eBay? I haven’t used that one before. Is it like Amazon?
Also, how is your dog? I heard he got kicked by your horse! I hope he’s okay now. That sounds bad.
Annie

It’s true that Robin lives on a farm, and she probably has a dog. I wasn’t sure about the horse, but I thought it sounded feasible. The scammer wouldn’t relent.

Yes it is, you will see it when you are about to make the purchase.
Robin

Being from the Missouri Ozarks, everyone knows it’s rude not to answer a question, so I decided to reflect the same tenacity as the scammer. While he or she wanted gift cards, I wanted to know about that dog. My husband suggested I add a detail about the dog.

Okay. But how about your dog? I know he means a lot to you since you lost your sight in the car accident last year. It’s hard to find a good seeing eye dog.
Annie

By this time, each e-mail back and forth was read out loud for our family to enjoy. There were many snickers and chuckles.

Quit all this questioning Annie please let me know if you getting the cards for me.
Kind regards,
Robin

Eureka! By the complete loss of punctuation and annoyed tone, I knew I’d started to aggravate the scammer. I took a few more suggestions from my family.

We’ve been friends for years, since we enlisted in the Coast Guard together. Don’t you see that I care about you? If you don’t and don’t value our decades of friendship, I don’t think I can help you with this I-bay thing. Jeez um Pete, I’m just asking about your dog?
Have you started drinking again?
Annie

I’ll admit, I knew I was starting to make this unrealistic, but it was so much fun that I couldn’t stop myself. I particularly enjoyed misspelling eBay and waiting to see if the scammer noticed.

Annie, please i need those cards urgently please help me out here. the dog is fine by the way
Robin

There were cheers of celebration when I read this e-mail. We got the scammer to acknowledge the dog! And they still wouldn’t stop asking for the gift cards. I thought we could push a little further.

Well good. Judging by your grammar, though, it does look like you’re drinking again. Don’t think you can sneak that past me. You’ve always used perfect grammar on everything… except when you’re drunk. Dag nab it, Robin! You promised you’d stop after that DWI. For Pete’s sake, that’s how you lost your sight. Some people never learn.
Now those card things… it’s i bay, right?
Annie

And that was it. It took forty-five minutes for this scammer to give up on me. But it sure was an entertaining forty-five minutes for my family and me. We laughed as we ate the last bites of our leftover pie. I took a little pride in wasting this scammer’s time and keeping him or her from duping someone else.

And they must have deleted my contact information because I haven’t heard another word from “Robin.”

— Annie Lisenby —